Gem. Green Archer. Soon to be a Fordham student (GO Rams!). Senior AB-Psychology major. SMS VP Marketing. LaPiS Thesis Head. Loves street photography. Amateur Photographer. Athletic. Frustrated fencer. Gymnast. Badminton Kickball Volleyball player. Tomboy. Bully. Wannabe kikay. Fashionista. Do-gooder. Jersey girl. New Yorker. So Cali girl. Loves the beach. Roxy. Billabong. Frustrated race car driver. Loves LV Gucci Burberry. Bookworm. Narcoleptic. Loathes pink. Hate me or Love me. This is me.
If you don't know who I am by now.. weird! That's all I can say. I'm Gem. Gemma Paula
Françoise Rarela. That's my full name. But I'd like to be called Gem - nothing else.
Except if you're my boyfriend, then an endearment will do. But seriously I'd only like to be
called Gem. I am now two years ahead of legal age and I love it. I'm enjoying it a whole lot. I
graduated with honors (believe it or not) at some all girls Catholic high school in Southern California. I am a junior majoring in Psychology at some university. I'm part Japanese, Filipino,
and Spanish in ethnicity. I know it's not obvious, but yeh. I speak English, French, G Language(hehe), Spanish, and
currently learning Latin and Italian. I'm pierced (10 piercings) but not inked. I have
lived in different places because of my dad's work so I don't have a definite place to
stay. I have lived in South Cali, Hong Kong, New Jersey, New York, and the Philippines.
After I graduate from college, I'll be going to Italy to either get my masteral degree or
take up something else like photography because I really love photography.
After the breakup with my boyfriend during high school, I thought I couldn't love again. I thought I
wouldn't be able to move on. I guess it's normal to feel that way after a breakup. Less then two weeks after, I was finally able to say that I have moved on. I am over the breakup but not the reason why we broke up. We parted ways badly.
And that's one thing that I kinda regret. Because now, I feel a lot of enmity towards my ex every time I remember the reason why we broke up. We did talk about it. But I guess there are just some things that are way beyond repair.. where 'sorry' isn't enough. We don't talk anymore. I don't even think that we still care for each other like we did
before. And it doesn't bother me at all. I even think that I'm better off without him.. that we're better off like this. Whatever 'this' is. I'm happy with my life now. I'm also very happy with my love life now. I am even contented with my love life. I don't think I have seen 'the one' for me yet and I'm also not sure if this new guy in my life is 'the one'
for me. But I'm enjoying my life. I'm still young and the world has a lot of things to offer me. I fell so hard at the age of 17. But let me tell you this. 17 isn't too young to fall in love. Takings things seriously at the age of 17 isn't wrong either. But if you reach that point, be sure that you will be able to pick yourself up when you reach rockbottom. Because no one except yourself will be able to help you get up. My life has been a hell of a roller coaster ride for 18 years now. I had my high highs and low lows. There were times when I want to get rid of the butterflies in my tummy and there were also times when I want to ride again and pass the certain 180 degrees loop or even the 360 degrees loop. Most of my traumatic expreriences came from love. It even to a point where I didn't want to love again. I even thought I was a very unlovable person. That started my being pessimistic. I still am. I don't regret what I've become but I haven't fully
accepted it either. I know I'm much stronger now.. even my friends tell me that. But I don't want people testin out my strength every now and then. I'm human. I still get hurt no matter what you say. Why love if you can hate?! Just kidding. Love is the most wonderful feeling in the world and regret is the most useless. But whatever you feel, don't close your heart. Just keep it open. I knowin I'm gettin a lil cheesy here but it's true. Coz sometimes the one that we're waitin for is just in front of us. Been there. Done that. So trust me.
**** Just for the record, I'm single. By choice. And I'm not gon elaborate on my lovelife anymore over the internet. I've done it once with my ex-boyfriend when I was still in high school. I'm not gon do it again this time with Jp. I'd like to keep things private. Only my cirle and his circle know the story. `Nuff said. Thank you. =)
I smoke and drink a lot and I love the night-outs. It's almost a year since I quit smokin and drinkin. Why I quit, I wouldn't know. But it was like I just got tired of it. That's the only reason I could ever think of. Coz surely I didn't quit for a guy. But there are times when I just have to drink and/or smoke.. just to release the
fuckin tension out of me. So, when you see me drinkin and/or smokin, it means my best friend, depression, is chillin with me. As for the partyin, honestly speakin... I'd rather stay home and read a book than go out. Something inexplicable happened to me last November 2002 that made me not enjoy anything to everything. I have two extremeties of personalities
running through my veins. Yeh, that's me. Bipolar. I'm also known for sleepin a lot. I can sleep 24 hours straight if I wanted to. I just love sleepin like that. But when I have insomnia, I bore myself to watching sitcoms. Friends, Access Hollywood, BET, MTV, and pay per view are my dailies. I watch TV a lot. I seriously do. Ask me about a sitcom or
a TV show and I can probably answer your question. I know most of the new gossips and rumors about celebrities, too. It's because I've subscribed to all these magazines. My magazines range from YM to People to Maxim to Vibe to Sports Illustrated to Good Housekeeping. It's like I have every single magazine in America. My mom doesn't even know where to stock them anymore. One thing that I don't like on TV is the news. Enough said. Music to me is what weed is to rappers and rock stars. Music makes me high. I have a lot of CDs and I listen to many types of music.
**** I've gone back to the party scene.
I am one confused girl. Lure and denial. I am forever stuck with broken promises. I've heard them all. I am a self-confessed depressed suicidal person. Why? Simply because I am enthralled to enmity, love, unstoppable discernment, and emphatic loneliness.
I've been depressed since seventh grade. Pretty young, huh? At first, I thought I was just having problems. Until I realized that my problems do not really go away. Maybe I am a problem magnet. I have a thousand piles of problems stuck in my head. Another thousand piles pending to be solved. Some of them get harder each day. And sometimes a new problem comes in a snap just right after I've solved one. If I start from the beginning of why I have become a depressed person, one day won't even be enough. And this page will be freakin longer than it alraedy is. But if you really are interested, e-mail me. Or at least try to get to know me. I can tell my problems to anyone. Seriously. Coz I easily trust people. It's just the devil in me that makes me doubt about other people. But yeh, I'm very open about myself and my sickness. I don't deny the fact that I'm depressed. So I can tell the whole world
if i wanted to. But i don't - not until I'm asked. The bottom line is, I'm still depressed in any other way. I see depression as my life-long reality and I'm not even ashamed of it. I think it's something to be proud of actually. If you hear someone saying that life is beautiful, that person is just BS-ing with you. How can life be beautiful with all the
miserable things happening here on earth? Well, there are times when you think that life is beautiful. Even I, myself, think that life is beautiful at times. But only at certain times. Not all the time. Life ain't peaches and cream. It never will be. It's a struggle. As I was saying, I'm not ashamed of being depressed because it only means one thing.. I am a strong person emotionally. I mean, having to deal with all the craps of life and shits.. and yet I'm surviving and somehow still focused on this damned life. Not everyone can do that especially when you're depressed.
I used to be a very transparent person. But now I tend to bottle up everything that I can. I can't be the same old Gem that everybody used to know. I can't be that person anymore. As much as I try to, I will never be the same again. Why? It's
the same reason that made me a transparent person. Friends. Friends are the reason why I became a very transparent person. At the same time, they are also the same (and sometimes I think the only) reason why I'm bottling things up now. I lost my trust in people because of friends. It's a very long story and I don't want to stress about it anymore because no matter how hard I think and contemplate about it, I won't benefit anything good from it. Except for the good times of course. But nonetheless, nothing. As for the moment, I like excluding myself from everyone.. and I mean everyone. No exceptions. I get a lot of things done when I'm alone. I get to read and finish a book in one day. I get to watch movies that I want over and over. There are no worries. No competitors and no judges. However, I still go out and have fun with people who aren't judgmental. These people make me laugh. And I think that it's the best remedy ever. Well, natural highs make me laugh, sit back, and relax, too.
My moods fluctuate a lot. A whole lot. Sometimes I don't even understand myself anymore. That's why I say that i'm very spontaneous and very unstable. One minute, I'm an angel, the next minute, I'm a devil. Because of my fluctuating moods, I suffer for both consequences. I guess that's how it is. I'd like to think that I have an acute mental illness that's why I come off as a neurotic. Hehe. But I don't have permanent PMS. Okay? Even though I, sometimes, come off as very bitchy and sensitive, it doesn't mean that I'm heartless. In case you don't know, I'm the most sensitive person
you've ever known. I take things seriously. I know when to joke and when not to. But sometimes, I just take everything seriously. Or sometimes, when I'm all alone in my room and one incident pops in my mind, I think about it over and over and I realize that that incident was no joke. Things like that. That's why sometimes I get all paranoid. But I
never tell when I get paranoid because of this thing called pride. I'm a person full of pride, by the way, and I admit it. I'm not proud of it but I'm not ashamed of it as well.
I live in the past. I linger in the past. Everything that involves my past. Not that I want to but maybe it's because I think too much. I love thinking about anything and everything. I despise changes. Need I say more? I think of all the "might have been", "could have been", blah. I always think about the "what ifs" and whatnot. And
that makes me even miserable because reminiscing leads to missing and blah blah blah blah.. and I'm left asking more questions. But think of this, if there's something that you wanted to do but you never had the guts to do it then one time, something comes up and you wish that you have done what you have wanted to do all along because if you did whatever you wanted to do you know you could have prevented or stopped whatever happened.. but you never did anything. Is it gon be your fault or not?
One thing that I despise the most are the judgmental people. I was judgmental, too. But that was before. As I've said, I'm different now. That's one thing I've learned in this accursed life of mine. Never be judgmental at all. And now, I'm serious, I'm judgmental no more. Do not believe on the saying that "what you see is what you get" for that isn't always true. It's never true in most cases. And people who are jugmental should insinuate that to their little brains. I'd rather be mute about my opinions than turn out to be someone that I despise. I despise those who judge you
right then and there. I hate those who pop too much lip and they still have the guts to be nice to you. Tupperwares. Typical. I despise those who give you attitude just because they think they're better than you. I despise those who post a
comment and say all these rude things but they don't even identify themselves. Come on now! You had the fucking guts to write something uncalled for but you're too scurred that the person who you just dissed will actually get back at you that's why you didn't identify yourself. Next time, if you want to diss someone, be sure that you can identify yourself and be prepared for the consequences of what you have done. See, these judgmental people are pathetic. And don't even think that I'm being judgmental right now. Coz think of it, am I really being judgmental right now? I'm just thouroughly explaining these damn
observations.
What else? I also don't like people who assume too much. They assume
too much that they think that they're the only person alive in this world. You don't get
anything from assuming but severe headaches. I assume, too, at times. But not all the
time. And I listen to explanations. I don't just assume and go on with my life thinking
negatively. Because by doing that, it shows that you will never see how reality is. You
limit your mind to think that there's a reason behind everything and not everything that
you think is right or is "It". Tsk tsk tsk. It shows what kind of person you are I guess.
I can't stand ignorant people. I know that I'm no einstein. I know that I
don't know everything. I'm also naive at times but the reason being is that I lack the
experience or either I'm totally new to it. I don't keep on asking until people are
annoyed already. Just use your common sense. Every person has that. They just don't use it.
I feel sorry for your parents who work so hard just to send you to a good private school
and all you do in return is to act dumb and not comprehend what you've been taught. Tsk tsk
tsk. I hate those people who think they're the shit coz they got some bling bling on them.
It's not even attractive. I hate girls who act so cute when they're really not. I hate it
when they always make the first move on guys. I hate it when girls think that they're the
only important people in the world. I hate it when these kind of girls always need to
feel special. I'm a girl and I don't even think like that whenever I'm around with other
people especially guys. You know when girls get mad over a very little thing and when
they argue when there's really nothing to argue about. Gosh, how I hate those girls!!
I'm far from being that kind of girl. In short, I'm not self-centered. I don't need
everybody's attention. I mean, if they don't notice me, so what? Really, so what? It's
not like I'm gon die y'know. I can survive without guys. I don't have to be the life of
the party. And I don't take advantage of being a girl. Meaning, I can take jokes. I'm
not like other girls who cannot take a joke at all. They always take it seriously and the
guy has to say sorry to them.. those kind of things. I take things seriously at times
but I don't get all giddy about it. And I don't need to be tampered by a guy because of
that. Thank you very much. Gosh, I could go on endlessly with this.
I am very fragile.. fragile as a glass. So I need to be handled with care. I need a lot
of caring. So sometimes I also need to be the center of attraction. But still, I make
sure that I'm not being self-centered. I need a lot of caring and security because
ironically I have a very low self-esteem. I do not like people putting me down. Who
does anyway? I despise rejection with intimate passion. I am very cynical and I always
expect for the worst. Unintentionally, I twist the truth and that makes me a doomed
person. Why I'm like that is because I'm enthralled to traumatic experiences. I've had
enough of traumatic experiences to last me a lifetime. Believe me. Because of that, I
need to be given assurance for every single thing. Tell me or else I wouldn't know. Don't
play mind games with me. It's not gon work. Because even though I get a hunch of What
you're tryin to tell me, I'm never gon confront you about it. Never. Well, sometimes I
break that rule. But I barely break that rule. There goes my insensitivity and
blindness. Your honesty is well appreciated. Just don't go too harsh on me.
i love sarcasm.. i may not mean every single thing that i say. so, don't
you ever get offended on what i say. i tell you when i'm serious and when i'm not. and if
you're not an idiot, it wouldn't be hard for you to know if i'm kidding or not. though
there are times when i really look serious yet i'm just fooling around. that's me.. so
unpredictable! when someone can make me laugh, it doesn't necessarily mean that you're
funny. i may laugh for various reasons.. it may be your jokes or on how you deliver your
jokes or just the moment itself. come on now! jokes nowadays are just funny because of how
people deliver it. but it ain't funny coz it's funny. i may be even funnier than you. i'm
a very moody person. we all have our reasons why we are moody and stuffs. so don't be
acting like shit in front of me when you know that it's not a good day for me. and don't
even dare to please me with your sweet nothings. because if you fail, you're gon see what
you don't wanna see. you're gon see my neurotic side. and i'm very sure that you don't want to see
that. i'm not kidding. when i'm mad, that means i'm mad. i'm gon start bitching at you
that you'll wish you were never born. call me vindictive when that happens. but for those
who know me well, it ain't foreign, right? i know that i need to feel some assurance but
sometimes i'd rather be alone when i'm havin problems rather than havin a so-called friend
around me givin me those advices for the heck of it. if you're really a friend, you should
know when your friend is havin problems or not even though she hasn't told you yet. that's
one way of knowin your friends. coz sometimes they tell you that they are there for you
but when you actually need them, they're nowhere to be found. they're just with you when
you're all havin a good time. they just pose for friendship.
this ends the little journey of me. but my whole entirety doesn't end in this. i'm still
much more than what you read and see. maybe it just takes a lot of patience and
understanding. maybe it doesn't take anything at all. this is rather a very long essay
about me that i am sharing with all of you to have a glimpse of who i really am. i told
you, i'm more than what meets the eye.
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DOPENESS. |
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BLAHNESS. |
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RANDOM FACTS. |